I thought I was pregnant...


Last week I had the pleasure of reading an article written by a friend from high school. She and I are birthday twins and have been friends for years. I've loved following her career as we've been apart and there have been many times I've been envious of her New York living, magazine writing life. She's the coolest. And after reading her honest article about trying to get pregnant, I loved her even more. 
In her article, she did what I love and hate the most, which is to be vulnerable and open about something that no one else likes to be open about. It's the hardest and most rewarding thing. She so kindly cited me as a tiny part of what gave her that courage and that, oddly enough, gave me courage to share something too. 
You see last week I thought I was pregnant again. Yeah, again. Like I have a four month old and three other kids and holy crap I might be pregnant. Insert TERRIFIED emoji. And EMBARRASSED emoji. 
I was so scared and so embarrassed. 
I love babies, I tolerate being pregnant and I do want more kids. But not yet. I don't want numbers four and five to be 14 months apart. I don't want to do last year all over again. I don't want to lose my mind for nine more months. ( I really struggle mentally while pregnant.) And I don't think I can do my job and be a mom and be pregnant again this year. 
And I was really nervous about the thought of sharing the news. What would people say? What would they all think? Clearly we hadn't been careful enough! The whole, "Don't you know how that happens?" comment would have been all too on point. Uh, we do. And uh, yes, this was an accident. 
So yes, terrified and embarrassed sums it up. 
I haven't started my cycle again yet after having Baker but there were several days of bloating, several pounds of weight gain, enough crazy thoughts to get me to run into the store to buy a pregnancy test on the way to Legoland with my kids. I just couldn't wait a second longer to find out. I chugged a ton of water, about peed myself on the way in and I took that lovely test in the Legoland bathroom. Yes, that is about as unromantic as it gets, but I couldn't wait for the perfect moment to take such a life altering test. Legoland it was. And it came out negative. Holy cow, I've never been more relieved to find that I tested negative for something. 
In my circles and situation, rarely does anyone talk about being scared they are pregnant.  I have friends who really are trying to get pregnant and I desperately wish I could send help their way. I wish their pregnancy tests would be positive. I wish, I wish! 
As women we don't talk about a lot of things. We don't share things because we are afraid of offending someone else or seeming ungrateful for the things we have that someone else doesn't.  But when we don't share, we lose out on a chance to connect with people. 
When I was in counseling my therapist talked a lot about the concept of 'owning our story' and I've found that owning our story allows other people to own theirs too.  I might be scared that telling my friends without kids that I hoped I wasn't pregnant would hurt their feelings. But really I would hope that by sharing my fears, then they could share theirs and we could just root for each other. No comparison needed. Just cheering for each other in our own stories. 


  1. Love your openess! You are fantastic!

  2. we all struggle with our own things. I have a hard time being pregnant, not getting pregnant, but always feel guilty when I tell people I'm not a happy pregnant person. What about all those who can't or struggle or who have kids with special needs...I think to myself? I hope you know you aren't alone in being embarrassed or scared about the timing of pregnancy.

  3. TRUTH! Owning, sharing and being vulnerable with our stories brings us all together. When we hide or keep secrets, shame creeps in. Thank you so much for sharing and being vulnerable with us!

  4. Thank you for sharing! This helps me mentally in ways I didn't even expect when I jumped over from your Instagram account to read. You are an inspiration!

  5. Great post!! I love that perspective... Just root for each other. No comparison needed!

  6. I sent through the same thing after my son was born. He was 6 months old! We are Catholic and practice NFP and I was dreading the comments that many times come with pregnancies and that. I was dreading it...especially after a difficult pregnancy, I was terrified. Turns out I was just ovulating for the first time again!! Very similar symptoms... Funny joke mother nature!! :)

  7. Thank you for sharing. <3 Love your thoughts on "owning your story". That really hit home today.

  8. I love this. You're real life blogs are the best. I especially loved what you said at the very end. As women, and sometimes as moms especially we compare ourselves to others way too much and forget that we, like them, have our own stories and challenges and that they're just as important as anyone elses.

  9. Hi! I don't think I ever commented before but I've followed you forever. I have twins and an older kid. When my twins were just a few months old, I thought I was pregnant again. Holy cow, that was scary. I love kids, but I had a very awful pregnancy with the twins and the thought of being in that place again scared the crap out of me. And the possibility of twins again? OMG. I wasn't sleeping much at the time (preemie twins with reflux!! yay!) Anyway, I feel your pain, I was there. Thank you for sharing!

  10. Um, yes! Yes! And, yes! This was me last month...I'm 37 and we have 3 kids: 20,14,7. The thought of people feeling bad for me or judging me was the FIRST thing I thought about! I think I would have caught more grief now than when I was a teen mom! And then the thought of "people are going to thing this is my 20year-old's baby and that I'm the GRANDMA!" It was only after thinking all of that, that I thought about how another child would really affect us, sadly.

  11. I love your blog! Your openness makes you seem way more real than a lot of other bloggers! Thanks for sharing!

  12. You bring up such a great point in your blog and I love how you say...let's just "root" for one another. My girlfriend and I always say that to each other and wished more women could just realize it's not a competition and to be each other's supporters and cheerleaders instead of judge's of all things "life". I have been on both sides with wanting a baby (and hoping for a negative test for your same reasons), not being able to conceive for many years, having a child (both naturally and adopting) and no matter where you stand on all things mama- someone is bound to get hurt, usually unintentionally. This phenomenon for me (although I am sure should have been realized much earlier) came about after I had my first child and I breastfed. It was like you were either team B.F. or team formula and I just though....crap, "we are all just trying to do our best each day- it is tough out there so let's just support each other and be happier because of it." It is amazing how much power we women can have over each other- so let's just hope we can make the power be positive! Thanks so much for sharing something so honest and that can hit home for so many.

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