HONEST: I'm Being Held Against My Will

 When I was going through therapy for an eating disorder, a big part of treatment and "getting better" was identifying when I was using food to cope. I wasn't told to stop emotional eating, but taught to recognizing when it was happening. Recognizing downing a sleeve (to two) of Oreos as a red flag for an emotional issue has been such a helpful tool since then. I can tell something is off when I'm reaching into the candy jar ALL DAY LONG.

Well this week- there has not been enough candy, brownies or cookies in the house for the emotional eating going on. And it feels terrible. So rather than eat some more handfuls of chocolate chips (like I said, the good stuff is long gone), why not blog about it?

What feeling am I looking to escape with my handfuls of M&M's, fruit snacks, granola bars and cereal? Oh, just the feeling of being HELD HOSTAGE. It is wearing me out. I feel like my kids are holding me hostage for 23.5 hours of the day. We have enough kids now that I can fix what is wrong with number one, then help the second and by the time the third is set to go, the first child has melted down again. If Knox naps all morning he wakes up just in time for the other two to fall asleep for the afternoon. I feel like every night I get the baby in bed and then go through the circus routine of bedtime with the other two. Who wakes up needing to burp the very SECOND that I get Easton and Kesler in bed? You guessed it.

I realize that I am complaining. I probably shouldn't even post this because just writing it down has helped a lot. I honestly I love being a stay at home mom. This SAHM gig has a tough learning curve though. The moment you catch up you are behind again and with every child comes a lot of stretching and learning how to function as a bigger family and a mom of more kids. I am CONSTANTLY choosing between what I personally (and often selfishly) want to do and what others need from me.

I hate that all day long I am trying to escape from my kids and filled with regret about it at the end of the day. But it's hard. That is really what I am trying to say. Learning how to take care of three, often four, other humans is hard. In case you feel the same, I'm struggling with it and feeling inadequate about it too.

So what to do about it? First just accept it. Accept that this is the life that I chose and choose everyday to live. Accept that my life is not about just me and rarely will be ever again.

Pray. I need to pray more for help. Pray for patience. Pray to love anything and everything that comes along each day. Pray for more stamina, strength and for my abilities to be increased. I know I'll be supported because this is where God wants me to be.

And I need to take more things off my plate and find more time to recharge. Both of these things sound almost impossible right now, but choosing sleep over a project or reading a good book instead of Pinterest every so often would probably go a long way.

And in case you were wondering, what about your hubby? My husband is great. He helps when he can, but he still works long hours and is also ready for a break at the end of the day. Because he has a busy day job and works at night for me, his time is so limited. It is expensive in time for me to get out while he watches the kids. And its even harder to get out together!

So, I'm not really asking for sympathy or answers- I just wanted to be real and tell you that

A.) I'm fessing up to eating all of the sugar cookies we made recently. I really didn't take any to the friends or neighbors that they were intended for.
B.) This is why. I'm struggling. I'm overwhelmed. I'm behind and I feel like a hostage.
C.) I might snarl the next time we are out and someone tells me that I have my hands full. CLEARLY PEOPLE. CLEARLY.


  1. 3 is hard! I am pretty sure our kiddos are around the same age. I am having just as hard of a time as you are. I feel like I never get a break or a quiet second. 2 was easier but I wouldn't go back for anything. You are so not alone. I also think it is healthy to vent. Hugs mama. Keep your head up. And maybe just maybe we will survive. ;-)

    1. Oh and I may or may not have eaten at least 12 scones this week.

  2. You are so amazing. This is JUST what I've been needing to hear lately! I am going to try and do the same with my own blog post today. Just be REAL. We all feel like this from time to time, most of us are just not brave enough to admit it. So way to go, cheers to you, pat on the back and two thumbs up. Seriously. I wish I could give you a giant hug right now! This SAHM thing is at times the most magical, and also the most physically exhausting thing imaginable. Keep it up. You are NOT in this alone. One day it will all be different, and they will be all grown, although i know right now that feels like a long, long ways away. I only have two, but they are 18 months apart and sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. Anyways, this is long enough. Blessings to you!!!!

  3. I am totally in the same boat right there with you! I have three boys age 3 and under. Some days I don't know how I am going to survive, but we just keep on keepin' on, and somehow I make it through the day.

  4. You hit the nail on the head. I can SOOO relate. Thank you so much for writing this.

  5. <3 you Kilee!!! I don't know what it's like to be a mom but I think you're doing a dang good job. Those kids are lucky to have you and try not to feel guilty for needing a little break every now and then!

    Also, I take candy breaks around 11 and 3 everyday at work so I know how that goes. :) I honestly think winter is just plain HARD. IT just makes things worse. Lack of vitamin D, cold, dark, blah blah. It's the WORST. Hang in there. xoxo! Miss your pretty face.

  6. The "you sure have your hands full" comment with three when my third was a baby was SO ANNOYING! I know they don't mean anything by it, but hello! I know they are full, I'm the one who grew them and pushed them out of me! It wasn't like I woke up one day and my hands were suddenly full!

    But, I understand every single feeling you talk about (minus the home business part)-- I should feel more regret and care more about the amounts of sweets I eat to cope sometimes, but I really don't care right now!

    I know you aren't looking for advice, or sympathy, and often I feel the EXACT Same way when it comes to our lifestyle, as some people have reminded me before (unsympathetically), "I knew what I was getting into, when I married the Army." Sure, I THOUGHT I knew what it would be like, just like we all "think" we know how hard it will be with more and more kids, but no one truly knows until you're in the thick of it. But as mine have grown, and we've had long separations, I've just learned to enjoy the time I have, because they are growing SO FAST! It truly is just a season we are in, and soon it'll be gone.... It sounds like you know exactly what you need to do for yourself to take some of the stress off, so DO IT! Don't be a superhero :)

    Right now, I'm less nervous to add #4 and say goodbye to my husband for 8 months, because I know I can do it. I know we can survive and be happy. It won't be perfect, but we'll get through it, just like you will! :)

  7. I have one, a 21-month-old, and I feel like this! I cry... a lot. I had back surgery 6 months ago and being in a position as the mother of a toddler who needs an entire year to heal with limited mobility my life has been chaotic to say the least. I'm exhausted, I'm in pain (I have a baby to pick up and take care of back surgery or not), I'm overwhelmed, I'm broke, and it all leads to a very stressful household and unintentional arguing with my husband. It has gotten a little better as my son gets older, but what I wouldn't give for a weekend with my hubby to relax and recharge and rekindle.

  8. kudos to you girlfriend. seriously.

    I have an 11 week old and my life is in shambles. I honestly don't know how you do it!

    I feel like I've worn the same pajamas for 11 weeks straight, my diet SUCKS and I feel disgusting. The babe runs my life!

    We are all with you! Chin up ;)

  9. You arent alone. Just know that, I feel everything you feel and I only have two. I have a husband deploying soon too. its like waiting, and trying to survive and I feel like im treading water all the time. Just know YOU are good enough and YOU make a difference everyday!

  10. Oh, yes... those comments will never end... but I think it's just what falls out of people's mouths because their brains are deeply engaged in figuring out how you conceived them all, are still cute and skinny, and wear a smile on your face!!! It's all a puzzle to them! Yes, be proud of being a walking puzzle to others!

    I feel so old saying this... but it SO gets better! Having them close is hard, but it's good! And they get bigger, you get to sleep again, you have more time... and then your uterus starts to cry because you miss being a young mother with kiddies just wanting to be held... I posted about that here... http://www.ccmcafeeperspective.com/2013/11/my-crying-uterus.html

    Chin up, these moments are the sweet ones that bring us to our knees pleading for strength that we can't have on our own, and the treasure is a loving Heavenly Father that brings peace to our hearts, comfort to our souls, and perspective to our eyes.

    Then we have the strength to hit the treadmill for those extra mistakes that go straight to our butts! :)

    You are beautiful!

  11. Kilee, I swear to goodness; every time you post a real issue that you have, I think I couldn't possibly like you even more and then I do! I think it is brave and courageous to admit to our feelings, they are so fleeting and overwhelming at times and as women, we feel so many things at once. You may feel like a hostage but I'm sure your boys don't even know there's an issue. I'll be praying for your sanity :) Take care, Girl!

  12. You are not alone! I am having these exact same feelings and challenges in this season of adjusting to 3! I don't have any words of wisdom to offer because I too am just trying to take one day at a time! So often I feel so defeated at the end of the day and left empty with absolutely nothing else to give. I'm praying and hopeful it will get easier with time. I do want to encourage you that I am quite impressed you are able to do all that you do on top of being a SAHM of 3! I love your honesty and I pray you'll know what a great job you're doing for your family! I've truly enjoyed following your blog!

  13. Thank you such much for posting this and for being transparent. I came across your blog randomly last night and I think it was meant to be. I have 3 boys 7, 2 1/2 and 11 months. I know 100% what you are talking about. I tell my husband the same things you just said all the time but of course he doesn't quiet understand. I don't even recognize myself anymore because I feel like just a mom. So again thank you for sharing your struggles. I find most moms don't like to be honest about how hard life really is being a SAHM and everyone wants to act like we have it all together and everything is just peachy. I was starting to think I was alone. Keep praying! And one day the will be older and this will be a distant memory.

  14. Thank you such much for posting this and for being transparent. I came across your blog randomly last night and I think it was meant to be. I have 3 boys 7, 2 1/2 and 11 months. I know 100% what you are talking about. I tell my husband the same things you just said all the time but of course he doesn't quiet understand. I don't even recognize myself anymore because I feel like just a mom. So again thank you for sharing your struggles. I find most moms don't like to be honest about how hard life really is being a SAHM and everyone wants to act like we have it all together and everything is just peachy. I was starting to think I was alone. Keep praying! And one day the will be older and this will be a distant memory.

  15. You just wrote my life. I think all of us stay at home mama's struggle on a daily basis with these exact issues. I feel your pain of just wanting five minutes to myself and yet feeling so selfish for wanting it. It's a constant battle and yet the most wonderful thing in the world. Keep fighting the fight. We're all in it together! (and thank you for your sweet honesty)

    Amy @ Delineate Your Dwelling

  16. Thanks for opening up and sharing such an honest post. Clearly, from the comments, we're not alone in these feelings! Just take it one day at a time and just keep doing your best! You're amazing! xo

  17. Nice read! I like the suggestions.

  18. I work full time and I only have 1 child, but I still get the hostage feeling sometimes. Thanks for being real and sharing your struggles. Big hug, Mama! You are doing a great job!

  19. I'm glad that you did post it. It can be so nerve-wracking to post such a personal thing... But the truth is, we are being held hostage. Not only by our children, haha, but also by a culture where we no longer have an easy way to socialize and get some much needed grown up time. I see my neighbors outside chatting sometimes and I think I just want to join them... but I truly have no reason to go outside. It's difficult to bridge that gap. Sometimes blog land is the only way to reach out and have others reach back, while we are all held hostage inside our homes.
    Have you read the book Desperate? http://www.amazon.com/Desperate-Hope-Mom-Needs-Breathe/dp/1400204666
    It has really helped me understand why I get that feeling of being held hostage and some ways to feel better. It's about enjoying our lives as stay at home moms, kind of? :)

  20. I strongly suggest you consider joining a YMCA or other gym. The child watch area (where you drop off you kids while you work out or swim or sit on you butt drinking coffee (all things I have done)) is a life saver. Plus, it gives your kiddos a chance to play with other kids and meet friends ('cause 2-year-olds really have lasting relationships... but whatever!).

    Good luck to you and thanks for being so honest. As somebody with *just* one, I feel a lot of the same things you do. And I guarantee you other moms do, too.

  21. It's brave of you to be so transparent and vulnerable with your readers! Being a SAHM mom is hard--I can't imagine tackling that job--and you have every right to complain about work just like everyone does. Being in recovery adds to the stress. But hang in there <3

  22. Your honesty and self awareness is a breath of fresh air! I am also a mother of 3 boys ages 8, 5, and 2 and I am just coming out of that phase of life. I feel like I'm on top of the mountain that you are in the middle of climbing so I can tell you there is a beautiful vista to come. I promise. The climb is so hard and so lonely because only you can do it. Being a mom is hard and draining and even now I definitely have rough days, but I feel like the "groundhog days of motherhood (never ending and always the same)" have let up a bit. They eventually become a little more independent, they will be able to clean up after themselves occasionally, and they will be able to entertain each other (sometimes). Only the strong survive with raising boys and you are one strong momma!

  23. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I have 3 boys 8,6,3 and a girl who just turned 1. I was so much more tired and overwhelmed when number 3 came. But once you get past that first year it does get better (enough that I went for #4:)). Your 3 are very close together which makes it even harder, but you will be glad when they are alittle older and can entertain each other. My oldest 2 can make their own breakfast and snacks and it is so nice. Of course thy fight a lot too, but I don't feel as held hostage as I did when thy were younger. Raising little boys is especially tough I think, they are so loud and so active. I am holding out hope that they will be easier in their highschools years:-). Keep chugging along you are doing great!

  24. Yes! Yes. Sums up what I've been feeling lately. Thank you!

  25. Thanks for opening up to everyone and sharing your struggles. You have such courage!

  26. Good for you being so real. You're doing better than you think you are, Momma. Motherhood is hard, plain and simple. It's a refiner's fire... At least for me. I remember having 3 little ones and feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and sometimes depressed... And ironically knowing I would still be having more. :) I just had my fifth and I can honestly say it feels easier than when I had 3. Maybe it's just that I've finally accepted the fact that my time is no longer my own. But yes, I still have good cries and plenty of moments of heading to the cupboard for anything I can find (chocolate chips). :) Motherhood is truly the best, but also so hard. Your boys are blessed to have you!


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