Why Doesn't Everyone Like Me?

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TOP // PANTS (on sale!) // SHOES // EARRINGS 

I've had the same heavy thoughts weighing on me over the last few weeks. It's one of those demons I haven't had to deal with in a long timemaybe since college or even high school. I'm pretty sure we all struggle with this one from time to time, even though I thought I'd have grown out of it by now.
I'm struggling with wanting to know that everyone likes me. It's that age-old temptation to base your worth on what others think of you or what you think they think of you. I've been a little too self-consumed with my own thoughts and somewhat second-guessing myself. I worry that I've offended someone or that I haven't talked to them recently enough. Or maybe my resting B face has been returning a little too often so that maybe every time I'm in public, I hurt feelings without even knowing it. Does everyone in such-and-such group think I don't like them? Should I be worried about this friend or that friend thinking I don't like them anymore? Am I chatty enough in nice and fun ways when I'm interacting with people, especially at work or at the store? 
My personal preference is to be a homebody and an introvert. I like people, but I prefer fewer people to more people, and I have to work at being social in social situations. Being very busy helps me to avoid interacting with a lot of people because I'm busy doing my work. But the honest truth is that between the workload of N&S, blogging, and taking care of things at home, I am even less social than I would like to be. I rarely see anyone outside of work or even talk to people that don't work for us. It's frustrating to be spread so thin and want to be more social, but then time constraints prevent it. 
I've always been envious of those people with magnetic personalities. The ones who can make everyone feel like their best friend and brighten the world around them. I think, "Why can't I just do that tomorrow? Why can't I just make everyone feel important and wonderful like so-and-so does?" I'm positive that I can, and then I wake up and I'm still me, the one who hates to answer the phone, runs from people I recognize at the grocery store, and only feels like my chipper self after a shot of caffeine. That's the real me, but I try to rise above those things; I think I've made progress over the years. 
I've felt betrayed several times recently, and part of me blames myself for it. If I had been more fun and friendly and gone to that girls' night and socialized with the right people, then maybe those hurtful things wouldn't have happened. Maybe I unknowingly offended someone or people have the wrong idea about who I am because I didn't answer their email or their phone call. (I lost the email, and I hate phone calls!) 
Emails are always slipping through the cracks around here. So are phone calls. I'm running to keep up with all of the big balls I have in the air, so I miss little ones. I lose party invitations and don't always call the school when I keep my kids home from school, and those things let people down. I don't go to girls' nights or workout group because I can't squeeze one more thing into my week, but I miss out on those friendships and that feeling of belonging. I'm busting my brains to put together the next really great campaign for Nickel & Suede, and meanwhile people are discounting what we do or spreading rumors about our business. 
 And in my head I know that 1.) That's life. You can't do it all, and things get lost and are messy. 2.) People will come and go from your life; you and they won't always be perfect. I know my imperfections hurt people (which sucks), but I also get sucked into thinking that if I could somehow be the perfect friend and boss and business owner and person, then everyone would like me. 
This is a lie. 
Now to work on getting those "Everyone thinks you are A, B, and C" thoughts out of my head. I do need to keep working on my people skills and my bravery in "people situations." I am trying to get better about responding to emails and phone calls. But even if those things change, that won't make me feel universally liked. That shouldn't be the goal. 
So new goals:
Keep liking myself.
Know that God loves me and approves of how I'm trying to progress.
Only worry about what He thinks.  
I know that if I try to follow God's word and feel out where he wants me to improve that I will love others more and that social situations will change for me. I'll also be more concerned with how others are doing rather than what others are thinking about me. 
(In reality, most people are also thinking about themselvesnot me. I know this. I just forget it.) 
I hope you all have grown out of this by now and that it isn't a recent struggle for you. But maybe you are like me and you struggle with this too.  Also sometimes the pressure that can come with being a blogger does "get to me," and then you all get blog posts like this. Sorry not sorry. Thanks for bearing with me on this one. Now I'll push publish and go hide while you all read my inner workings and think who knows what of me! ;)


30 comments

  1. Thank you so much for writing on this subject! It's an area where struggle in. What an encouragement to read your thoughts on it and just know I'm not the only one!

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  2. You are not the only one. I have times I applaud myself for how mature I am and how I am over all that silly junior high stuff. But then I might not get invited to something or my kid doesn't, and ouch! I am suddenly feeling so hurt and left out even though I had no right to expect to be invited and neither did my kid. I know it doesn't matter what anyone thinks about me except God, and I try to remind myself of that all the time.

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  3. Thank you for writing this. It's like you took the words right out of my mouth! I have struggled with this at different times in the past and at present. You are not alone!! One verse that I keep coming back to when these feelings of insecurity get to me is I Thessalonians 4:11 - "make it your ambition to live a quiet life, mind your own business, and to work with your hands." I want this to be my life's focus!

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  4. I think you are incredible and you're by far my favorite words to read, style to watch, small business to look up to. I love that you are you, through and through. Kilee, you're fantastic! Thanks for sharing!!

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  5. So many people are likely jealous of your success and unfortunately those feelings come out in some not so nice ways. Keep doing what you're doing!!

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  6. I follow your blog everyday, I think your gorgeous and have great style, keep doing what your doing, in the end its you and your family that matters!! hugs!!

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  7. Be willing to surround yourself with people who will be understanding through this "season" of your life. The ones who tear you down, who aren't supportive, and don't get it are not worth your time! Having a full plate right now does not make you selfish and anyone expecting more from you is being selfish themselves. Having a resting B face (glad to know I'm not the only one LOL) isn't a terrible thing and as you get older you'll see that it does come in handy sometimes ;) Keep being you! The grass is not always greener on the other side (regarding social life/girlfriends). If you have to change yourself to be accepted then you are not being true to yourself! Hang in there, love on your hubby, and enjoy those beautiful kiddos. You are loved by many near and far! Haters are always gonna hate.

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  8. SOMETIMES discomfort MAY signal an unbalance. Note that I'm not saying anything is definitive or that this is the case with you. But I do believe it is human and healthy to seek human connection. I thought I preferred to be intoverted, but when I opened myself up to being extroverted, all my anger and insecurities began to wither. I love what Kandie said about surrounding yourself with people who are supportive. I might add, "like-minded." I like how you pointed out the lie. Let's combat those lies by looking for truth. As you open your heart and eyes to LOOK FOR PROOF that people DO like you, are supportive and like-minded, it'll start showing up for you. We love you! You are doing a great job knowing what's best and choosing the best for you and your family.

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  9. WOW - I sure needed this today! Thank you, thank you, thank you. By the way, I know you're not fishing for compliments, but you're DARLING!

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  10. I think that I like you more after reading this post. I can relate to it so much. I have always loved your honesty and openness. My husband is a youth pastor, which throws me into a "spotlight" of sorts. I try really hard to hide from it, but that comes across poorly. I'm SUCH an introvert and am working on pulling myself out of it. We've been in ministry for almost 8 years now, so I have grown quite a bit since the beginning. But, I would still stay home and hide if given the choice! haha!

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  11. I feel like this more times than not. I didn't grow up in the town we live in and groups are very select. I spend a lot of time just with family or at home. I find comfort in doing what I like. I still try to make friends and I guess one day someone will decide I am right for them beyond their clique

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  12. You are so brave to write this post and publish it for all to see and judge. They shouldn't judge, but that's what people do, even if they don't do it intentionally. As a new blogger, I have found myself in the same debate...will everyone like what I am publishing? In the end, I just post what I like and hope that someone else out there can relate. It won't be everyone's favorite topic all the time, but hopefully I can connect with a few out there, and that's what matters. I don't know how you do all that you do...kids, wife, business owner, blogger, etc. I think you are amazing and I don't even know you on a personal level. I admire your grace. Keep your head up!

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  13. You are not alone !!!!!!! Know your worth.......am struggling with the same feelings......Be your wonderful self.......dee

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  14. Kilee. I just love love love your posts. It's like you are living in my head with this post. Such a struggle isn't it. The ONLY thing that has ever worked for me (I feel kinda silly saying it out loud) is when I get really down on myself on just being lame and stuff I start to gently stroke my head and say " (Insert your name) I love you!! I love you!! You are gonna be ok. In fact, you are great!" I know sounds silly and I only do it when I am totally alone but it works every.time. No one in the whole world knows that I do this. Hahaha.

    P.S. I also hate phone calls. Texting was the best thing to ever happen to me.

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  15. For what it is worth I don't even really know you (except through social media) and I like you ;) I appreciate that you are genuine and honest and real. I like your style, I love your business and I adore your openness with your faith. The little glimpses I see into your personal life from social media I know you are an amazing wife, mom, boss daughter etc... Thanks for being vulnerable and keeping it real for the ones of us on the outside looking in!

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  16. Kilee, you are an awesome person and true friends will only love you, flaws and all. I think it's a prerequisite that most women doubt themselves and compare themselves to other women around them. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're a wonderful mom, wife, business woman, and I don't know how you do it all. It won't always been like this. It's like the saying, "you're in the weeds." This is a season of your life, you'll come out of the weeds, stronger and more resilient, having gone through these soul searching times. We're all right there with you! Loves ❤️

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  17. I say be yourself! You cannot control what others think so focus on what God thinks and the rest will fall into place. You are admired by many!

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  18. Sounds JUST like me.
    Self acceptance, and what others think of us is none of our business. :)

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  19. My first thought reading this was honestly "wait...there are people who don't like Kilee?!?"
    But I think that self consciousness over what others think of us is something we all struggle with. And it can be good, we want to have reputations as good mothers and wives and as smart women who follow God's will and share his love. But there are always going to be haters. Ignore them. You're awesome!

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  20. Yes! I haven't felt like this in a long time but recently have feelings of self-doubt. Where is this coming from...and a reminder that maybe it is the odd mix of juggling so many different schedules and life with young children. Friendships used to be easier to maintain - I think it is the season of life as well.

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  21. I, like so many others, find you to be a breath of fresh air. Because there are soooo many bloggers out there that only show the shiny stuff. And it makes me feel like, 'Oh if I were as fashionable as her, then I would have it together too.' I know that sounds stupid, but there you have it. And honestly, I would think you have it all 100% put together. But then you admit to vulnerability and imperfection. And so it makes me feel like I have a fighting chance too. Thank you for that!! I think you are lovely and I like you all the more for your imperfections, because I feel like I can relate to you! ( I DETEST ANSWERING THE PHONE!!!)

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  22. I used to feel/care about others' opinion of me. I used to hate calling people, (ok, I still hate it but it's not as hard). A family moved into my ward and we all shifted to be more like them. They are constantly serving others and bearing testimony of the joys, blessings and happiness they have experienced from it. That has become my focus. The more I'm thinking/praying/helping others, the less I worry about myself and I'm able to see all the things that make me me.

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  23. The title of your post reminds me of a quote from the children's book "The Rainbow Fish." If you haven't read it's about a beautiful fish who gives away his shiny scales to the other, less shiny fish in the sea. This is what you're doing through this blog! As a fellow introvert, I understand the feeling of self-doubt and isolation. I've learned to embrace this about myself and have been feeling more comfortable in my skin ever since. Regardless, thank you for giving us your shiny scales so that we may be as beautiful as you!

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  24. I just want you to know one thing first of all: God loves you, full stop! He doesn't love you just when you're trying to do the best thing but he loves you because you're His child! Finding full contentment and satisfaction in Him is something I'm still seeking to fully understand and grasp, because I know when I can feel fully validated by Him alone, what everyone else thinks won't matter anymore.

    My other thought I had was, and trust me, this may seem weird but I'm going somewhere with it, is: do you know your Myers-Briggs personality type? I have nothing to gain from sharing this with you, but when I did a test fairly recently, I learned SO much about myself and how I operate in relationships, and then when I basically FORCED (*ahem*, campaigned, as a good ENFP does ;) ) all of my friends and family to take the test as well, and learned what their personality types were, I gained such clarity and understanding of what makes them tic. I think when we compare ourselves to others without properly acknowledging we are each designed and wired so differently, and each gift we bring is a blessing for someone else, we REALLY sell ourselves short.

    I look at what you do: design, style, fashion, blogging, running a store online and in person, with OODLES of little boys and I think, you got the wiring/gifting for that! Not everyone has that. You have a gift!

    Also though, when I'm feeling lonely, just seeking out one meaningful connection usually helps me too. All that to say, thanks for sharing your heart. You're not alone! And oh yeah, that personality test: 16personalities.com. Seriously, do it!

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  25. I am not really able to express my thoughts about this right now, because I really have to go to sleep. But I really loved what you wrote, and I've always liked you. Always.

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  26. Thank you for your post, I look for such article along time, today i find it finally. this post give me lots of advise it is very useful for me

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  27. I honestly couldn't believe that YOU would struggle with this. You have such a following, successful business, you are adorable, have awesome style, obviously love your boys and Soren to pieces yet are honest and don't act like it's all perfect. It's refreshing to know that other women struggle with self acceptance as well even ones as popular as yourself. It's hard to not care what other people think of us even though Gods approval is all
    We need.

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  28. I love following your blog because you are REAL. Thanks for sharing. I used to always walk away from social situations thinking "why did I say that?" or "I talked about myself too much," or "I didn't smile enough." I still think that sometimes, but I try to just squash those thoughts immediately because they're not productive. It's a rare woman who doesn't struggle with similar feelings from time to time. I love your blog, your style, your earrings (they're the only ones I wear now!). Rock on, girl.

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  29. I have too many thoughts....I think it would take a whole intramural baseball game to talk through everything. But, I've been meaning to tell you that I went to a thrift store and was piling clothes in my cart to try on. I came to a shirt that I liked the color scheme, but wasn't sure abt the style. I almost didn't put it in my cart, but then I did, because $2.50 at a thrift store is a great price to try something out of my comfort zone. Turns out I love it and I'm glad I bought it & thanks for your outfit inspirations. I don't care to wear the same types of clothes as you most of the time, but that's OK. I enjoy the ideas and definitely enjoy the real life stuff. It helps combat the "comparing our worst selves to others best selves."

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  30. Yep I agree, we all struggle with this...sometimes i feel i do more than others, but thank you for talking about it. You are very brave and we just have to realise that unfortunatly people can be very mean. Have a good week and hold your head high.

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