ONE little MOMMA: Miscarriage- An Update

Miscarriage- An Update

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I have been thinking about writing this for a while, but honestly haven't been sure what I had to tell. We've kept so busy that its easy to think that I've moved on- but there has still been a healing process and in the spirit of keeping it real I wanted to share how its been lately.If you are a new reader you may not know that in October I had a very unexpected miscarriage. It was rough but some time has passed and we are doing better. Since then I have seen so many blessings in the way things have turned out, but there have also been plenty of painful little jabs and reminders along the way.

As far as the positive side goes, not being pregnant right now has been a huge blessing. I have been living on no sleep, not enough water, lots of meds and plenty of stress as we have been working long hours and filling Christmas orders. I can't imagine adding a growing belly, heartburn and more fatigue. I've been through pregnancy a few times and although mine aren't terrible, they aren't a cake walk. This is a physically demanding season of life and I can definitely see the silver lining of not being pregnant as far as my health goes.

I'm also so grateful for the chance to really enjoy Knox being the baby. Because I didn't (and don't) think he was our last, I don't think I really made the most of his time as a baby. But now? I am soaking him up. He is such a sweet baby and although technically not still a baby- he is my baby and I kinda wish I could keep him that way forever.

And although those are the positives that have come out of the miscarriage, I have been surprised at how hard some of the little reminders are. For example, I find its hard when people ask me how many kids I have. I surprise myself when I start to say four, but really mean to say three. I guess that in my head I had already moved on to the number four, so going backwards feels weird.

It's also annoying when I get pregnancy updates from Baby Center every week telling me how far along I am and how difficult it is to unsubscribe to those emails. Why do I have to sign in for that? Why?

I feel slightly envious of friends that are pregnant because we were going to be pregnant together. Or I was going to be the next one to have a baby. Not to mention just plain feeling baby hungry when I see birth announcements, tiny baby clothes or someone planning a nursery.

The hardest part has probably been feeling such a loss and not knowing what to do with it. I am pro-life so obviously I believe life begins before birth- but this whole miscarriage has made me ask questions that never mattered to me before. Do I really have four kids? Do we have a baby in heaven? Or is the loss I feel because we lost a potential life? It's pretty heavy stuff and in general I just feel like hiding from that side of it.

But I'm fine! Really. To be honest I'm fine. I'm fine because I have faith in God's plan. I have faith that because of the Savior all things will be restored and made right- whatever that means for us. It doesn't make that pain all gone or fix everything now, but that's okay. We have so many joys and happiness in our life (like three awesome boys!) that we can still feel good and move forward.

If you have suffered a similar loss, I'm where you are. Thank you for your words, support and love. I know they have been another blessing for our family this year.

God Bless!

13 comments:

  1. I believe our babies are in Heaven. I don't know if you've read Heaven is for Real or not, (or have seen the movie), but the little boy met his sister his mom miscarried (and never told him about) while he was in Heaven. The details aroud it are incredible and it gives me a lot of peace.

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  2. Beautifully written Kilee. I don't know what suffering through a miscarriage feels like, either physically or emotionally, but is a big fear of mine. I appreciate you being brave and being so honest in sharing with us. You are a strong wonderful Mama and I know HE is looking out for your darling family.

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  3. I am right there with you Kilee. I had a miscarriage in June and know the heartache that you are going through. I ask myself the same questions, but just remember God has a plan for everyone. We might not understand everything, but he does. Love to you and yours during the holidays!

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  4. Kilee -- I had just found out I was pregnant when I read your post in October. I found out that both you and another friend had miscarriages at 10 weeks and found tiny babies. I was horrified, but thought this wouldn't happen to me, because "that doesn't happen in my family." Well, we took Christmas photos revealing the new baby and told the family at Thanksgiving that I was pregnant. One week later (10.5 weeks), I wasn't feeling right and had the ultrasound showing the too small baby with no heartbeat. Then, we got the Christmas photos back. I love your blog for your fashion and hair :), but I thought of you as I went through this and really appreciated you sharing. I found out that several people in my family have had miscarriges, but it was a secret club that no one wanted to be in. Lots of things you mention, I feel, too. I like to think of my baby sitting on Jesus' knee. I don't know, but that image has helped the most for me. Anyway, thanks.

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  5. God definitely has big plans for you and your family, and even more so when in the midst of grieving. I find myself thinking about our Angel baby (because how could they not be in Heaven surrounded by love and peace) at random times every day and thats ok. Stay strong, Momma!
    Whitney

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  6. I'm not usually a commenter, but I resonate so much with you already and now this. I, also, am a SAHM with 3 boys-5, 4, and 3 months respectively. Between my 4 year old and 3 month old I had 4 miscarriages. Consecutive miscarriages are rare (like less than 5%) so don't be discouraged. But I always feel the same uncertainties. I tell people I have 3 kids but my heart screams 7. And just a precaution, you eventually will be filling out OB forms at some point and yes, you will include that you had 4 pregnancies and how they turned out. I remember being shocked and sad the first time that happened. Anyway, all of this to say time does help but if you're anything like me, that baby will stay with you forever. I'm sorry for your loss but rest knowing that sweet baby is with his Heavenly Father.

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    1. Thank you so much! I hadn't even thought of that paperwork - I'm so appreciative that you warned me. That will certainly soften the jab! God Bless!

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  7. I realize you're a work at home mom. No offense.

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    1. None taken! I still think of myself as a Sahm- just a wahm by accident!

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  8. Hi Kilee,
    I found your blog not long ago and I have to say that you are very inspiring. I am also a wahm mom and I have 2 girls. I know exactly what you are going through as there has been miscarriages in my family as well. I understand how your day to day life must be. I wanted to thank you for sharing your experiences, as it helps us understand and see that we are not alone in our struggle and that other people go through similar experiences. Thanks for inspiring us.

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  9. Kilee, I wish I could give you a hug. I have been there and no a little of how you may be feeling. You have your trust in God, which is the best! <3

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  11. I know exactly where you are Kilee - I had 3 miscarriages over 2 years but am blessed with 2 wonderful boys! These things happen for a reason but sometimes it's not for us to know..... Sending light and love to you. xxx

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Thank you so much for taking time to comment!