ONE little MOMMA: A Big Announcement...But Different

A Big Announcement...But Different

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This week has been rough. Currently we are in the middle of working like mad on our Holiday line and getting ready for a big holiday event. Soren and I work all day every day and we are looking forward to working even more through the Holiday sales season. It's a dream come true and it's exhausting. What is crazy, is that life (kids, church, family, school) keeps happening too. I wound up in the ER for the first time last Saturday and things took a really unexpected turn. It's funny how life just doesn't stop because I work more huh?


We took family photos a few weeks ago and I had fun planning a little something extra as part of our photo shoot. I wasn't sure when I would share it here on the blog, but I was so happy with the results. It was just how I wanted to announce my fourth pregnancy.


Yep, back in September we found out I am expecting. It came as a shock, even though we know we want to have more kids. It was just like 6 months early in the grand scheme of Kilee. I have never been more freaked out about being pregnant. Maybe it's because I know what having a baby changes, or maybe it's because I feel like I just had a baby in June when we launched Nickel & Suede. Either way I was panicking and it took me some time to process the news. Soren however was thrilled and so was everyone else we told. "Maybe it's a girl", "I'm sure it will all work out", "babies are wonderful" are all things that I heard and told myself. So when we got out pumpkin announcement photos back last week, I think I had finally managed to become excited and on board with baby #4.

We got our photos back Tuesday and Thursday night I started bleeding. I was a little freaked out, but Google said it was normal so I just remained calm and carried on. Friday I kept bleeding- here and there. Google still said it was normal and I hadn't seen my doctor yet so I didn't really want to make an emergency appointment on a Friday. Saturday morning I was still bleeding. I called the clinic and they told me what I did not want to hear- "You need to go to the ER to get some blood work done." Time to panic.

Soren had left to play Ultimate Frisbee that morning - without his phone- so I showered and got ready and found a babysitter for the kids. He tends to freak out about any medical issue so I hadn't really told him I was still bleeding after the first night. Of course when he got home and I told him we needed to go to the ER  he was worried and told me to go immediately- by myself if need-be. And I was all "I'm not going alone. They will think I'm a teen mom and ask where the Father is!" (Not to mention there was no way I was going alone to deal with whatever was going down at the hospital.)

We drove to the hospital and checked in. They saw us really quickly and drew a ton of blood. Then I had the luck of getting a catheter and a very intense ultrasound. I'll spare you the details but it was not fun.But compared to what the ultrasound tech had to say, the details were a breeze. She showed me the baby but had nothing but bad news. My uterus was measuring 10.5 weeks, which was correct, but my tiny little baby was only measuring 8 weeks. And there was no heartbeat.

I really didn't know how to react. I was just in shock. They unhooked me from everything, wrote me a pain med prescription and sent me home with instructions to check in with my doctor. The doctors and nurses were really kind, but it was all really surreal. I had barely felt pregnant and now I wasn't going to be anymore. The worst part was knowing I had a non-living baby still inside me.

We drove home and had a rough afternoon. You can stop reading now if you aren't into TMI.

My biggest fear came true about an hour after we got home. The doctors told me I would officially miscarry and it would just be like a heavy period. Which was partly true. And I really wanted it to go like that. But unfortunately, or fortunately, before all of that heavy stuff- there was a tiny, tiny baby. I found it when I went to the bathroom and it was just laying there on my pad. It was the worst. I just started sobbing. I left it all there and ran and found Soren. Suddenly it was all real. A tiny living thing had been growing inside of me. What was I supposed to do with it? I couldn't just throw it away! I couldn't just flush it! It was heartbreaking. Thank goodness for steady husbands. Soren saved me. Really. He took the little guy (or girl maybe) and put it in a half of a contacts case. He buried it somewhere in the yard and I was so grateful. I just couldn't deal with it.

Neither of us knew how we would react to what happened. I didn't have the empathy or ability to understand a miscarriage until it happened to me. I still feel like it was so different than I ever thought. The baby was less than an inch long. But it wasn't just bodily waste. It was on its way to being a real person. All I knew what that it deserved more respect than a flush or the garbage.

The aftermath of a miscarriage isn't pretty. I bled and bled and bled. And cramped and cramped and cramped. It was a great weekend let me tell you.

Except it was kind of great. I had so many concerned and amazing friends checking up on me and I honestly felt like I gained so much life experience. I saw and felt something that I've never understood before and even though it sucked, I'm grateful for it. Weird right?

I am disappointed we aren't having a baby in 6.5 months. My plans were a little messed up when we found out we were pregnant and then now they've been messed up again. I'm bummed the first ten weeks of this pregnancy were a waste and so was the five pounds I gained. I'm sad Knox won't have his close sibling, although he still can. And I'm really just mostly sad for the loss of the little life I was growing. It's tragic.

But I am so, so thankful for my sweet boys and especially my current baby Knox. I'm thankful for experiences that push me out of my emotional comfort zone. I'm thankful to be able to trust in God's timing- or try to anyway. And I really do feel better than I've felt in ten weeks. Heaven knows I need my energy back for what we have coming our way in the next two months.

I haven't written anything this personal in a long time. I have a love/hate relationship with being so real here on the blog. It's really exposing and a little painful, but it feels better to share. The doctor at the ER told me that 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage so I guess our family is just keeping up the average. I know many of you have likely had a miscarriage as well. And well, now I can say I'm with you- its the worst. But I'm doing okay. We'll be okay.


68 comments:

  1. I am so sorry! That seems so little to say, but I am truly sorry.

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  2. Kilee, I am so sorry. I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks almost three years ago, and it was one of the most painful and difficult experiences. And seriously, heavy period? Not even close. I felt like I was in mini-labor for two days-- which, technically, I was.
    I found people came out of the woodwork when they found out about my miscarriage. It is so much more common than I realized. And I hope you have people you can talk to as you process this. Allow yourself to feel everything-- it was quite a roller coaster for me until I had passed my anticipated due date.
    I wish you the best-- physical and emotional healing.

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  3. I am so sorry to hear this Kilee. I struggled getting pregnant with both of my daughters as well. I am praying for you and your sweet family and I am so sorry for you loss.

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  4. Hard to read the words on my phone through my tears! Heart so sad for your loss. You are so blessed to be able to see such positive among such pain and I'm so happy that you are surrounded by such love and light in the form of your husband and attentive friends. Sending up prayers for you, your husband and your boys! Much love!

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  5. Kilee, I am so truly sorry for your loss. I suffered multiple miscarriages before I finally had my sweet baby girl. Miscarriages change you and they're something you can't really understand until you live through that pain. Good for you for sharing such a personal story. It's something that isn't talked about enough. Huge hugs and strength to you and your family.

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  6. That is such a difficult thing to go through. We lost or first while in the process of adopting. It's heart wrenching and painful but God will see you through it :) I love your blog and will be praying for comfort and healing for you and your family. Good bless :)

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  7. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's very brave of you to share about it here. I feel like the more people share about their losses, the more open society will be to hearing about them and helping people heal.

    XO
    Becky
    @bybmg

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  8. I am so sorry. It is so hard sometimes to understand why things happen. Allow yourself to feel every emotion and try not to hold things in. I miscarried at 3 months 12 years ago and at 7 weeks 1 1/2 years ago. It always stays with you. I had no idea how many miscarriages happen until I had mine and when I opened up about so many women would tell me their story. It is a healing process to put it all out there. Hope you are able to heal physically quickly and are able to spend time with your husband and children to help you heal emotionally.

    www.mylittlenest.org

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  9. Just wanted to say how sorry I am. I've had two miscarriages but had a d&c each time, so I've never gone through what you described. Just heartbreaking to read. Even though it doesn't make it easier to bear, you are not alone in this. You won't believe how many women have had miscarriages until you start talking about it. Kind of like a special club that no one wants to be in. So sorry for your pain.

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  10. My heart goes out to you in this difficult time! Thank you for putting it all out there and sharing with us. Virtual hugs

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  11. I'm so sorry for your loss an thank you for the detail...as its a reminder that life is precious at mere weeks.

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  12. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. Prayers for you and your family!!

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  13. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm impresses you shared on your blog. I'm sure it will be a great strength to others going through it too. It is helpful to hear abt others so you don't feel alone. I've had 3 miscarriages & bcuz a friend posted abt hers a few weeks before my 2nd one (10 weeks & the worst physically), I was able to ask someone abt it through the beginning processes. I wasn't able to talk abt my miscarriages otherwise until after I had another baby because it was too raw. Thank you for your strength to share.

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  14. I'm sorry for your loss. I had a similar experience almost exactly 7 years ago. I applaud your honesty and bravery in sharing your story. Prayers.

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  15. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope that you and your family find some peace and comfort during this difficult time.

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  16. I am so very sorry. It is such a hard loss and I kow I beat myself up more when I was going thitough my second miscarriage because I never got super excited. All I had was fear that it would happen again. I look at my 3rd and thank God daily that her pregnancy stuck. And now we baby #4 for I am thankful as well but it never takes away the loss of those 2 babies that were supposed to be a part of our family.

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  17. I am so sorry...so much love and so many hugs coming your family's way!

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  18. Kilee, I am truly sorry for your loss. I too had a miscarriage with #4. That's your 25%, 1 out of every 4. I was super sad bc it was just confirmed (I waited longer than I normally do) and just like that, that same evening it was no more. I ended up pregnant again 2 months later without having another period after. All went well and to full term. I have since had another pregnancy and now I have 5 boys!! I am done and happy. :-) We adopted a furry sister last week. I am officially no longer the only female in the house. :-) Hang in there. The pain always lasts but it does get lighter.

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  19. Kilee, I really appreciate your vulnerability. As someone who hopes to have a family some day, these are things I always tend to worry about. I am praying for you & truly hope that you find comfort within your family & friends. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I feel like miscarriage is something that isn't often talked about, but it's so important to share! xxo

    PS I found your blog because I work as a Lead Stylist for Stitch Fix. I love following you & reading your latest posts! Such style inspiration & creativity. Much, much love from the fashion world.

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  20. I am so very sorry for your loss Kilee. Thank you for sharing your story, you are one brave little momma! <3

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  21. I'm so sorry for your loss. My sister miscarried 5 years ago and it was probably one of the worst things I've ever been through. My sister and I are so close and I just ached for her. Praying for better days.

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  22. Thank you for being so open and transparent. I am so sorry for your loss.

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  23. So sorry to hear of your loss! Prayers for healing emotionally, mentally and physically!

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  24. I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss. You are a strong mama for sharing, hugs.

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  25. Oh, my heart aches for you. Losing a baby is never easy. It's good to hear you have a good support system. Make sure you do some self care and don't overdo it physically or emotionally. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

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  26. I am so sad for your loss. I have never had something like that happen. No one ever expects it to happen to them and when it does they ask why? But it will either make you bitter or better and you are a good example of becoming better from a huge trial. Aren't we blessed to know that Heavenly Father has a plan and there is a bigger picture. Prayers for you. Be strong and brave! Take it easy too ;) Hugs

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  27. I have tears in my eyes reading this. I am so sorry for the pain you went through and have you in my prayers.

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  28. Miscarriages just suck and I am so sorry :( Thank you for sharing, and I hope you will still use the family picture with the pumpkins, what a sweet little reminder of your fourth baby that will be one day. Hugs to you, Kilee!

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  29. I'm so sorry for your loss! Praying for you and your family, and hope you will be able to find peace.

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  30. So sorry for your loss....your words are raw and beautiful. Prayers to you and your family

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  31. Oh Kilee I'm so sorry. I'm grateful for your openness about it and hope that sharing was somehow healing. You will continue to be in my prayers.

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  33. Hello Kilee! Many thanks for sharing your story. I experienced the same four weeks ago when the gynecologist did not detect the heartbeat at nine weeks either. It was my first pregnancy at 24 years. I had no pains or any bleeding - that is why I was about to go through an operation in order to avoid complications (so called curettage). Fortunately the surgery was painless and afterwards I felt very relieved.
    Over all it is still overwhelming for me because there were two amniotic sacs, an indicator for twins. To remember my first pregnancy and loss I bought two roses and dried them, also to close this chapter of life.
    Although, I am still incapable of seeing parents with newborns or hearing about an announcement of a pregnancy.
    So many thanks to our husbands and boyfriends who support and love us unconditionally.
    My thoughts are with you and all the 25 % who have had the same experience!

    Greetings from Germany (and sorry for the spelling mistakes or grammatical errors),
    Caro

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  34. My heart goes out to you for having experienced such a tough miscarriage. I had a very similar experience with my second pregnancy. I was confirmed at the 9th week that the pregnancy did not succeed. My husband and I decided to let the nature take care of it, so my body started processing the miscarriage at the 11th week and I ended up having an D&C in order to stop my bleeding. I got pregnant with my second child with the third pregnancy. We waited for exactly 3 months to try and got pregnant again 6 months after the miscarriage (I'm sorry if this is too much information for you). I cannot imagine my life with my second child whom I would've not been able to meet without the miscarriage. I hope you can find strength to go through this tough time. You have a lovely family!

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  35. I realized I wrote something wrong!! I meant that "I cannot imagine my life without my second child"!!! I am so grateful that she came as my second child. Good gosh, I feel badly now...

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  36. I am heartbroken for you and your family. I had a M/C early on, too, but it was such a very hard thing to get through. Just know I'm thinking of you.

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  37. My heart breaks for you as I read this. Thank you for sharing such a personal story with all of us. I'm praying for you and your family.

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  38. So sorry you had to go through something do emotionally and physically hard! You and your sweet family will be on my prayers. Thanks for your courage in sharing.

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  39. I am so sorry for your loss, this is absolutely heartbreaking!!

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  40. So so very sorry to hear about the loss of your child. Baby is in heaven - God needed that little angel for whatever reason. Stay strong, lean on Him.

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  41. I am so sorry but appreciate your honesty.. and strength. Thinking of you.

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  42. *hugs* It sucks. It's not fair. It's horrible. We lost our first pregnancy after trying for a year, on top of knowing we had lost the baby, we were also right back at square one again. My doctor told me something that I didn't appreciate until much later - as he told me I would.

    "I know right now you don't want to hear this, but your body knew something was wrong with this pregnancy. You will go on to have children and you will be blessed with their laughter."

    I didn't want to hear that because it hurt. But as time went on & I eventually became pregnant again, I realized he was right.

    I do hope you find some peace and time to heal from your loss. Sending lots of hugs your way.

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  43. I'm so sorry for your loss! I have been through the emotional roller coaster of miscarriage 3 times. The first time I miscarried at home at 13 weeks and reading your story was almost as if reading my own. We had a baby. He was small, but he was a perfect little baby and I couldn't just toss him away. It was a lot to handle, and my mom and husband helped a lot afterwards, but we buried him too and got a stone made and it helped to be able to say goodbye.

    I know there is nothing I can say to make it better, but if you like reading, I found this book to be very helpful Miscarriage: Women Sharing from the Heart http://www.amazon.com/Miscarriage-Women-Sharing-Marie-Allen/dp/0471548340

    And I will leave you with two of my favorite quotes that have helped me through: "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened"-Dr. Seuss

    "It has been said, 'Time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."-Rose Kennedy

    Thinking of you and your family and keeping you in our prayers ♥

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  44. Kilee, I am so sorry for your loss. I went theough the same thing last August and it still haunts me. I will keep you in my prayers dear heart.
    Whitney

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  45. I'm so sorry. Miscarriage is so hard. Everyone deals with it differently and no one knows how to react to the news. I'm glad your husband knew what to do. I just remember crying when I'd wander to the bathroom and see what was like my period, but not. Knowing it was what housed a baby that was growing in me. I hope the Lord will provide you some peace and comfort.

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  47. Oh Kilee, I am so sorry. What a terrible experience to go through. I'll be thinking of and praying for you and your family.

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  48. I am so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you.

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  49. Kilee I am so so sorry. I wish I could hug you. You are such an inspiration to me. I love and read everything you write and I love that you have the Believe tab on your site. God bless you!

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  50. I had the same experience in August, and it's weird how quickly you have to go from wrapping your head around being pregnant to not being pregnant anymore. Things happen for a reason (like you said), and the experience made me so much more grateful for the child I already have. Best wishes : )

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  51. I am truly so very sorry. Sending you love...

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  52. Thank heavens for good husbands. Thank you for posting something so deeply personal. I really believe it's important for women to talk about the loss they feel through miscarriage, it's so helpful for people to know they're not alone. So many of us have been there and we're all feeling for you and your family now xo

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  53. Thank you for writing about this. I don't think enough women talk about it.

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  54. This made me cry. Thank you for sharing your story and being so open.

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  55. oh I am so sorry, what a sad thing to have to go through mamma. thank goodness for your husband's strength at that moment.

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  56. Awe!! Well here I am a day late reading your post, but you know I am here for you and have been praying for comfort for you since. Miscarriages are so hard, even if it wasn't something planned. I am so grateful you have 3 healthy boys, and soon enough you will have baby #4 even though you won't forget this one it will make you stronger.

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  57. I can't even imagine but I am so sorry you and your family had to go through this...

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  58. I'm glad you chose to discuss your miscarriage. Like many others that posted, I've had a miscarriage (make that two). It can be a terribly lonely time so it great to hear you had so much support. Everyone needs to talk about it more, not just mommas. Best wishes to you and your family.

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  59. so sorry. i lost my last pregnancy at 5 months. it was awful. 100% completely awful. and unless you have ever suffered from a miscarriage it is hard to understand. so sorry. you have a darling family and those cute little boys to love on.

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  60. Blessings to you and your family. Take the time you need to heal your body and spirit.

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  61. I am so sorry, Kilee. I also had a miscarriage this weekend. It was our first pregnancy and a result of several invasive fertility treatments. Oddly enough, I'm a regular reader of your blog and just happened to come across this post. I've felt SO isolated and reading your story along with all of the loving comments has really eased my pain and made me feel less alone. Thank you for posting this.

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  62. I am so sorry for your loss! I have had 3 miscarriages but now have 4 healthy children, 2 of which are twins! Keep your chin up and know that God will see you through.

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  63. Kilee,
    Thank you so much for sharing your story! I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I fought back tears the whole time reading your post. You have helped me remember that I'm not alone!! Your story is so similar to mine!! I had a miscarriage the end of September. Like you and your family, we took announcement photos with our other children. We shared them with everyone and announced our pregnancy after our 12 week appt, only to find out four days later that I had miscarried. The heartbeat that was heard at the 12wk appt was not the baby's, it was mine. The whole process is just awful and you are right, the worst part is knowing that you have a baby inside you that is not living anymore. You feel empty, broken, lost, and wondering why it happened to you. I ended up having a dnc. I am still going through it every day thinking about what could have been.

    Thank you also to EVERYONE who has shared their stories as well. It is such a comfort to know I'm not alone!!

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  64. I'm so late in reading this blog, but I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

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  65. Hi Kilee, I just stumbled across your blog today, I believe from "The Vanilla Tulip" and I have just been quickly scrolling through your posts. I stopped at this one and read the whole thing. I am so sorry you experienced this! I know exactly what you went through. I have been through it a couple of times. I just want to thank you for being so real with this post. I also wanted to let you know that a fellow blogger "friend" from afar is praying for you tonight.

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  66. I first discovered your blog when I was pregnant and needed some outfit ideas and then I got hooked on reading your blog and just love your earrings! I have 8 pair and love them all. When I read this post I felt so sorry for you and your family but just couldn't truly understand how terrible you must of felt. A week ago I had to have an emergency surgery to remove my right fallopian tube because of an ectopic pregnancy. I did ok with it at first because I was just trying to deal with the shock of it all and recover from surgery. Now I'm really sad for my little baby that I'll never get to hold and take care of. For some reason I thought of this blog post and looked it up and reread it. It gave me some comfort to know that you know the exact feeling that I'm feeling and I'm not alone. I don't know why but it just made me feel a little better. Thank you for being real and helping me feel better about my situation.
    Theresa

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