Bear with me while I fill you in on the details of my mental breakdown, but I promise it gets slightly more positive near the end. Let's start with the fact that this week it is that time of the month for me. I walked into this whole situation emotionally rocky and iron deficient. And add to that that I have not had my van this week - Soren has had to take it to work, leaving us carless. Normally this would be fine. It has not been so fine this week.
Every night since Friday I have been woken up by a very sad baby multiple times because he is coughing or uncomfortable with a fever. Not to mention the other two kiddos have been randomly stealing my spot in our bed from me or just plain wetting it.
During the day, I'm dealing with a three-year-old who will not keep a pair of underwear dry to save his life and cannot be bribed to do so. I bought him a bag of jelly beans to reward him for each time he goes in the potty. But guess who could care less about the jelly beans? Now guess who ate the entire bag herself? Me, that would be me.
All day long for the past four days, the fussing and the whining from an understandably sick babe is really difficult to bear. I was super patient the first day, but each day has been harder and harder to keep it up. I have been worn thin. Walking around trying to pick up the house, make dinner, find toys, and even teach preschool with a 25-pound baby who is constantly trying to get out of my arms or grab things that are out of reach is like a death sentence. There is no better workout - I'm convinced.
And one more energy drain?All the nursing! I am definitely dehydrated because nursing makes the baby feel better, which I get, but the extra nursing is exhausting. The poor babe hasn't taken a decent nap in days and I really do feel so bad for him. I know he is tired and must be miserable, but at this point, it is all I can do to not feel selfish. I can honestly say I have never felt this emotionally worn thin as a mom yet. It's tough. The leap from two to three has been a doozy. You're now convinced you want three kids too, right?
Thankfully, I have a husband who could see the hysterical state I was in when he finally did get home, and he promptly sent me out of the house. There was no other option - send me away or watch me explode. I left and wasn't even sure what to do - what I wanted to do was sleep! I drove to my usual escape, Savers, but the worst part was that I actually let myself feel guilty for needing the escape. I kept wondering how long I was allowed to be gone and what was the 'right' way to be spending the time away from the house. I even ended up grocery shopping because we needed the food. You get it right? Rough day. Yours was probably rougher. But for me, this was a low one.
The point of me sharing this is one: so that I can get it all out of my system, and two: so that you know that I don't have it all together. I was in tears all evening and ate a forth of a cake between tears before Soren got home. It sucked. On my way home, I was listening to music and feeling tired and just bugged that things have been hard. I was thinking and heard some lyrics in a song that reminded me of this scripture.
"He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it." Matt. 10:39
It totally was one of those moments where I thought - yep, I'm losing my mind... so that I can find it. In no way do these frustrations or crappy feelings and long days mean that having three kids (or more!) was the wrong choice. It means it was the right choice! I didn't know I was lost, but the me that I will find through these tear-inducing days is going to be a better one than I am right now. It is the best me I want to be. The more I overcome, the more my family gets the best me that there is. So I'm sucking it up and trying again. I'm not going to let the pressure get the best of me, but instead let the pressure work to build the best me.
Have you been feeling like you are losing your mind lately? How do you get it back?